12 May 2025
It's 2035. Every celebrity is a Bert Kreischer.
We've all seen increasing public acceptance of the 'dad bod', right? These Hollywood celebrities all suddenly bulked up, despite having whole teams of personal chefs, trainers, and doctors... Of course, this is due to Cushing's Syndrome, a hormonal disorder caused by long-term exposure to cortisol, which is what you deserve if you aspire to be an actor (in my opinion).
People aren't going to de-stress. Stress is a fact of life now. And every celebrity will be a Bert Kreischer.
The next James Bond will be Jonah Hill. A bulked-up David Cross will replace Joe Rogan. Political debates will be replaced with sumo-style wrestling, which will lead to the election of our next president, JB Pritzker.
I'm willing to bet up to $34.99 that this prediction will become reality. If you want to take me up on this, email me, and we can return to this post in about 10 years.